The Crew of the Curie is excited for their return to Earth, so they have a hot dog eating contest in the mess hall to celebrate!
FADE IN:
INT. – MESS HALL – DAY
In the mess hall of the USS Curie, a deep space exploratory vessel in the year 2420, Lt. Garry Flynn takes a platter piled high with hot dogs out of the food synthesizer. The mess hall is filled with life forms from vastly different galaxies, all wearing the standard uniforms for members of the Inter-Planetary Union, gathered around several tables pushed together in the center. Three members of the crew are seated on one side of the table with bibs around their necks and empty plates in front of them. Lt. Tarra Keasy scrolls through hot dog eating stats on a glowing translucent tablet. Garry puts the hot dog platter down in front of the contestants.
GARRY
Okay, kids! This is an Earth tradition dating back centuries! The world record for most hot dogs consumed by a human is…
TARRA
72 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Not bad for a human.
GARRY
Are you sure you don’t want to get in on this?
TARRA
Nah, Zatharan biology actually requires very little food relative to humans, I’m fine with sitting this one out.
GARRY
Fair enough. Dr. McClintock, are the contestants ready?
Dr. Irene McClintock scans each of the contestants with a medical device and reads the results, a weary but indulgent expression on her face.
IRENE
Well, the good news is nobody’s ever died from over-eating in one sitting. Other than a rather wise choice to start on an empty stomach, you’re all cleared to participate. Knock yourselves out, I gotta pick up the boys for their piano lesson.
GARRY
Come on, Doc! You’re not gonna stick around to watch?
IRENE
Lieutenant, I’m from Baltimore. I’ve been to enough Ravens games to know what a bench full of men shoving hot dogs in their faces looks like.
Irene exits through an automatic sliding door.
GARRY
All right, your loss! Let’s meet our contestants!
Garry gestures to Lt. Marvin Marshall, seated at the end of the table, looking excited and hungry.
GARRY
From my home planet Earth, we have Lt. Marvin Marshall, a big fan of hot dogs with a big appetite!
Marvin gestures to the crowd, the Earthlings give him a golf-clap of support.
MARVIN
Let’s go already! I haven’t been this hungry for hot dogs since summer camp!
DULCAN
(flat affect)
What is summer camp?
MARVIN
Summer camp? It’s when parents send their kids away for the summer to get fresh air and like make crafts out of popsicle sticks?
DULCAN
By ‘crafts’, do you mean weapons?
GARRY
And in this corner, all the way from the warrior planet of Mulcar, we have our very own Lt. Commander Dulcan ‘The Iron Stomach’ Bortak!
The crowd of spectators applauds enthusiastically.
MARK
(alien with a bulbous head)
My money’s on him!
YOUNGER CREW MEMBER
What’s money?
MARK
It’s just… Uh…
GARRY
And last but definitely the least amount of solid matter, we have our viscous Medal of Honor recipient, Lt. Yandy Laurid!
Garry gestures to the large green blob wearing a bib that is Yandy. The crowd claps politely. A mouth above the bib smiles and an arm-like appendage extends out of his side for a wave.
YANDY
Thank you, thank you.
GARRY
Now, Yandy, you’ve agreed to ingest the hot dogs orally, no osmosis, that’s cheating!
YANDY
I don’t need to cheat. 98% of my biological function is digestion. I was born for this!
Yandy’s smile gains a prideful glint and Garry claps his hands.
GARRY
Okay! Let’s get started! Madam Security Officer, are we ready?
Tarra pulls up a stopwatch on her tablet.
TARRA
Ready… Set… Go!
The contestants start shoving hot dogs in their faces. Marvin wolfs them down, Dulcan just slides them down his throat and Yandy gulps them down two at a time. Tarra keeps a tally on her tablet while Garry cheers along with the rest of the crowd. Marvin is seven hot dogs deep and Dulcan is two ahead of him when he puts down his tenth hot dog.
DULCAN
I’m full.
MARK
What!? We saw you eat a particle detector battery this morning!
DULCAN
That is why I am full.
GARRY
Dulcan’s out! What’s the count, Tarra?
TARRA
Yandy and Marvin are neck and uh… neck? At ten hot dogs each.
GARRY
Come on, Marv! Win it for the blue marble!
Marvin gags as he chokes down an 11th hot dog. Yandy groans as he crams two more in his mouth.
TARRA
Time! That’s eleven for Marvin and…
Yandy belches and two hot dogs squeeze out of where his ears would be if he were human.
TARRA
Nine for Yandy! Earth wins!
Marvin and Garry high-five and cheer.
YANDY
Hey! I ate those last two! They should count!
TARRA
Sorry, Yandy. Intergalactic Competitive Eating regulations state that hot dogs must stay ingested until the winner is declared.
Yandy extends his appendage for Marvin to shake.
YANDY
Well, I’m not going to be bragging about getting beaten by a life form with a one-way digestive tract back home, but you, my friend, are a worthy adversary.
The Curie’s automated PA system emits a musical tone to get the crew’s attention. A soothing female voice instructs them.
CURIE PA
(v.o.)
Attention, prime crew to the flight deck. Prime crew to the flight deck.
MARVIN
I’ll meet you guys up there, I gotta go barf a dozen hot dogs.
Marvin runs for the bathroom covering his mouth.
